Too Funny: Irish Family Home Schooling!

  1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

  1. My mother taught me RELIGION.

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

  1. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

  1. My father taught me LOGIC.

” Because I said so, that’s why .”

  1. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

  1. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

  1. My father taught me IRONY.

“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

  1. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

  1. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

  1. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

  1. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

  1. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”

  1. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”

  1. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

“Stop acting like your father!”

  1. My mother taught me about ENVY.

“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

  1. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

“Just wait until we get home.”

  1. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”

18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

  1. My mother taught me ESP.

Shivering“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

  1. My father taught me HUMOR.

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

  1. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

  1. My mother taught me GENETICS.

“You’re just like your father.”

  1. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

  1. My mother taught me WISDOM.

“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

  1. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Me Am taught me about SAFETY .

“If you fall down and break your legs, don’t come running to me”

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Learn something new every day!!

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the
back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child
reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds.

Dogs only have about 10.

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file the line
would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an
average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,

but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand;
“lollipop” with your right.

The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there
were three gifts.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel
that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every
letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely

The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”:
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels
in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”

There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
otherwise it will digest itself.

Now you know everything!

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Alexander the Great Death Wishs

On his deathbed, Alexander the Great summoned his generals to request three wishes:

  1. The best doctors should carry his coffin;
  2. The wealth he had accumulated (money, gold, precious stones) should be scattered along the way to his burial;
  3. His hands should be left hanging outside the coffin for all to see.

Surprised by these unusual requests, one of his generals asked Alexander to explain. Here is what he said: 

“I want the best doctors to carry my coffin to demonstrate that in the face of death, even the best doctors in the world have no power to heal.

I want the road to be covered with my treasure so that everybody sees that the wealth acquired on earth, stays on earth.

I want my hands to swing in the wind so that people understand that we come to this world empty-handed and we leave empty-handed after the most precious treasure of all is exhausted- Time.”

Time is our most precious treasure because it is limited. 
We can produce more wealth, but we cannot produce more time. 
When we give someone our time, we actually give a portion of our life that we will never take back.  Our time is our life! 
The best present you can give your family and friends is your time. 
May we all have the wisdom to give it.

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Ever Wonder Why?

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why Do WeWhy do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


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The Uniqueness of Ireland, Part Two. Irish Slang and Cuss Words

Sure you can fake the Irish accent,

but if you don’t mix in a few of these words into your sentence structure your will sound like any GobShite

Every country, every neighborhood has it slang and unique cuss words. But Ireland has a unique way of saying things, that I hope you Enjoy.

Irish banter words

Acting the Maggot – Fooling and messing around.
An Lár – (Irish – ‘On Larr’) – City Centre (An Lar is written on the front of Dublin buses to confuse tourists!)
Áras an Uachtaráin – (Irish – ‘Arr Iss On Ook TarAwn’) – Home of the President i.e. Located in the Phoenix Park in Dublin
Bad dose – Severe illness
Bags (To make a bags of something) – a botched job
Bang on – Correct. Accurate
Banjaxed – Broken
Batch Bread – Thick bread, sometimes sliced already
Biteen – Little bit
Black Stuff – Guinness
Bogball – Gaelic Football
Bogger – A person from the countryside
Bowsie – A useless good for nothing usually a male
Boyo – Male juvenile delinquent
Bazzer -A haircut (Cork)
Brutal – Terrible or awful
Bucketing down – Raining
Bulmers – Legendary Irish cider, called ‘Magners’ abroad
Bunk Off – To skip school
Chancer – Someone who’d try anything i.e. ‘chance their arm’
Chiseler – A child (Dublin slang)
Ciotóg- A left handed preson (irish- Kithogue)
Cod/Codding ya – To pull someone’s leg
College – University
Craic – Fun; gossip i.e. “What’s/How’s the craic?” means “tell me your news/gossip”
Crack on -Continue on
Crocked – Broken 
Croker – Croke Park in Dublin (main GAA stadium)
Culchie – A person from the countryside (i.e. outside Dublin) from agricultural
Cute hoor – A sly person, someone who quietly engineers things to his own advantage.
Dekko- Look at or inspect
Delira and Excira – ‘Delighted and Excited’ (Dublin slang)
Dub – A Dubliner. A ‘True Blue Dub’ is praise.
Dubes – Short for Dubarry (A brand of shoe favoured by Rugger Buggers)
Dublin 4 / D4 – A Dublin postcode, but usually refers to a posh person (even if they’re from another Dublin postcode)
Deadly – Fantastic, Wonderful
Dense – stupid or thick
Desperate – terrible  (isn’t she/he so/just so Desperate)  awful   (Irish Roscommon etc slang)
Donkey’s years – For a very very long time
Dosser – Someone who is not working at their job
Eat the head off – To give out to someone
Eejit – Complete fool
Earwiging- Listening in    to a private conversation
Effin’ and blindin’ – Swearing, cursing
Eff off – polite swear word
Fair play! – Well done
Feck Off – Go away. 
Fella – A guy. Particularly as in ‘Me Fella’ or ‘My boyfriend / husband / partner’ (Dublin slang)
Fierce – Very
Fine thing – Good looking man or woman
Floozie – Woman of dubious moral attributes
Fluthered – Very drunk
Fool eegit  – Idiot (Cork slang) 
Fooster – fiddling about
Football – Soccer
GAA – Gaelic Athletics Association (Organisation responsible for Hurling and Gaelic Football). Sometimes referred to as ‘Gah’ instead of the G.A.A.
Gaa – same as the GAA  pronounced as as a single syllable GAH
Gaff – Home. ‘To have a free gaff’ means you’re home alone
Gammy – crooked or funny looking; as in “he has a gammy leg”
Gander – A quick glance
Garrison Game – Football / soccer
Gas – Funny or amusing
Gawk – To stare rudely
Gaybo Famous Irish T.V and Radio personality Gay Byrne
Get Outta That Garden – affectionate phrase generally thrown into a conversation to encourage laughter, example: “ah would ya get outta that garden!”
Give out – To have a go / chew someone out e.g. I gave out to him
Glass (A Glass of ) a half pint Beer/Cider/Guinness
Gobshite – Socially inept person and / or complete fool
Gouger – aggressive male
Guff – excuses and lies
Gurrier – Hooligan
Hames/Haymes- Complete mess e.g. to make a complete haymes of something
Hardchaw – Tough Guy
Harpic – as in “a pint of harpic”, reference to Harp, a former brand of lager beer
Hockeyed – Heavily defeated
Holy Joe – Self righteous person
Holy show – Disgrace
How’s she cutting? – ‘Hi’
Howya – ‘Hi’ or a person from a rough area of Dublin
Hurl – To play hurling. A hurley stick. To vomit. Or to throw.
Jackeen – A rural person’s name for a Dubliner and it’s not nice.
Jacks – toilet
Jo Maxi – Taxi. Shortened to simply ‘Joer’ (pronounced: jo-er)
Joy (The) – Mountjoy Prison in Dublin
Kip – a dump. e.g.: “The hotel was a complete kip.” Or to have a sleep.
Knacker Drinking – To drink outside illegaly
Knackered – Very tired or broken beyond repair
Langer – A cork name for an unliked person (male)
Langers- Very drunk
Lash – To rain. e.g.: “It lashed out of the heavens the whole time.” Also verb : ‘give it a lash – to make an attempt at something or ‘to go on the lash’ – to out drinking
Leg it – To run away quickly
Locked – Very drunk
Manky – Filthy dirty or disgusting
Mi Daza (Cork) Means excellent, brilliant, fantastic. Pronounced (mee-dah-za)
Mineral- a soft drink
Mitch – To skip school
Moran – A fool
Mortified (or  morto, e.g.  I was morto!) –  Highly embarrassed
Mot – Girlfriend (Dublin slang). From ‘maith’, Gaelic for ‘good’.
Murder – Very difficult. e.g.: “Trying to find a taxi was murder.” Or else to really want to do something e.g. ‘I could murder a pint.’
Naggin – A small bottle of alcohol, particularly vodka
Nip (in the) – nude
Nixer – job done for cash to avoid tax
Norn Iron – Northern Ireland
Not the full shilling – not fully sane
Now your sucking diesel  You have solved or understand a problem
On the tear – To go out drinking
Ossified – Very drunk
Oul Fella – Your Father (Dublin slang)
Oul Dear / Oul Wan – Your Mother (Dublin slang)
Oul Doll – Girlfriend (Pronounced: Owl-Doll)
Paralytic – Very drunk
Pictures – To go to the movies i.e. I went to the pictures last night
Plain – Guinness, as in  Flann O’Brien’s “a pint of plain is your only man”, or similar black stout
Plastered – Very drunk
Puss (To have a puss on you) – Sulky face
Rugger Bugger – Person who’s posh loud and likes rugby (usually from Dublin)
Rugger Hugger – Girl who’s posh and goes out with rugby players (usually from Dublin). Can also be called a ‘Rugger Bugger’.
Savage – brilliant, great e.g I went to see a savage match yesterday  
Scarlet – To be very embarrassed e.g. ‘I was scarlet’
School – Primary or Secondary School / Elementary, Junior High or Senior High School
Senior Cup – Major schools rugby trophy played for by schools mainly in Dublin.
Shattered – Very tired
Sheila – a pet name for a promiscuous girl.
Shinner – Someone who supports Sinn Fein
Shite –  something that’s bad quality, as in “the car was a pile of shite”
Shower of savages – Ignorant group of people
Slag – To make fun of someone in a nice way ,nb to be used as a verb, if not has the same meaning as elsewhere ie ‘a common prostitute’.
Sleeveen – Devious and sly person, usually referring to someone from outside Dublin
Sliced Pan – Bread bought already cut into thinnish slices
Sorry- means Sorry, also used instead of excuse me or pardon me. If you want to get to the bar say Sorry !
Story? (What’s the) – ‘Hi’
Suckin’ diesel (Now you’re) – Now you’re talking. Now you’re doing well
Tánaiste – (Irish – ‘Tawn Ish Teh’) – Deputy Prime Minister
Taoiseach – (Irish – ‘Tee Shock’) – Prime Minister
Tayto – Legendary Irish brand of crisps (US ‘chips’)
The Pale – Anywhere inside the Dublin region
Thick – Extremely stupid
Throw shapes – To show off, sometimes aggressively
Touched – Someone who hasn’t their full mental capacities i.e. He’s touched
Town – City Centre or even the local town!
Tricolour – Irish flag
Trinners – Trinity College Dublin
Uachtarán na hÉireann – (Irish – ‘Ook Tar Awn Na Hair In’) – President (Of Ireland)
Weak as a kitten – Very tired 
Waster –  Someone who’s completely useless i.e. ‘Yer man’s an awful waster altogether’
Work away – Continue what you are doing
Yoke – An object or thing i.e. ‘That’s a strange looking yoke, what is it?’
Young Fella (male) or Young One (female) – Young man or Young woman (Dublin slang)
Your Man (male) or Your Woman (female)   – referring to someone you are talking about (not boy or girl friend/wife etc.)
Your only man – Something that you can rely on e.g. If you’re hungry, a burger’s your only man (a burger will alleviate your hunger), see Plain above

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Clean and Awesome Books for Teenagers

I have a 13 year old son and it is a constant struggle to keep his reading material age appropriate. After some research here is a list of books from 2013 that fit the teenage bill.

Besides, even though I am older, I love to wander into the young adult section of my local bookstore it should not be  something your embarrassed about — even if you haven’t actually been a teen in years.

Here are are my top 13 picks.

In Darkness1. In Darkness

By Nick Lake
This is the story of “Shorty”-a 15-year-old boy trapped in a collapsed hospital during the earthquake in Haiti. Surrounded by the bodies of the dead, increasingly weak from lack of food and water, Shorty begins to hallucinate. As he waits in darkness for a rescue that may never come, a mystical bridge seems to emerge between him and Haitian leader Toussaint L’Ouverture, uniting the two in their darkest suffering-and their hope.

A modern teen and a black slave, separated by hundreds of years. Yet in some strange way, the boy in the ruins of Port au Prince and the man who led the struggle for Haiti’s independence might well be one and the same . . .

Buy on Amazon 


Gollup the Woods, Twin Power2. Gollup the Woods

by Kevin Leigh

WAIT STOP, Don’t step on those druidic stones……” 

  • An abandoned 10th century Irish village.
  • A twin sister with no knowledge of her magic abilities.
  • A giant wolfhound with telepathic powers.
  • A supernatural relationship between 13 worlds.
  • A fierce enemy that could destroy them all.

It all waits to be discovered in Gollup the Woods, an unforgettable novel that mixes fiction and friendships into a wonderful reading experience. 
As our story opens, a horrific family tragedy sets thirteen-year old twins Josie and Seamus journeying to Glendalough Ireland, where they discover the crumbling ruins of a masonic community ten centuries old. As they explore its abandoned churches, it becomes clear to the children that there is much more to their story. Their grandmother may have been dangerous. Their parents may have been hidden from an enemy for good reason. And somehow—impossible though it seems—the twins may be the key to the survival of 13 worlds.

A spine-tingling fantasy illuminated with beautiful illustrations created by artists from all over the world. Gollup the Woods will delight adults, teens, and anyone who relishes an adventure.

**Full disclosure, this is a blatant attempt at self promotion, but Gollup the Woods is truly a great read and has no swear words or even the remotest hint at sexual tension.

Buy on Amazon


By A.S. King

In this truly original portrayal of a girl struggling to break free of society’s definitions, Printz Honor author A.S. King asks readers to question everything–and offers hope to those who will never stop seeking real love.

Astrid Jones desperately wants to confide in someone, but her mother’s pushiness and her father’s lack of interest tell her they’re the last people she can trust. Instead, Astrid spends hours lying on the backyard picnic table watching airplanes fly overhead. She doesn’t know the passengers inside, but they’re the only people who won’t judge her when she asks them her most personal questions…like what it means that she’s falling in love with a girl.

As her secret relationship becomes more intense and her friends demand answers, Astrid has nowhere left to turn. She can’t share the truth with anyone except the people she imagines flying over her at thirty thousand feet, and they don’t even know she’s there. But little does Astrid know just how much even the tiniest connection will affect these strangers’ lives–and her own–for the better.
A lyrical novel about family and friendship from critically acclaimed author Benjamin Alire Sáenz.Aristotle is an angry teen with a brother in prison. Dante is a know-it-all who has an unusual way of looking at the world. When the two meet at the swimming pool, they seem to have nothing in common. But as the loners start spending time together, they discover that they share a special friendship—the kind that changes lives and lasts a lifetime. And it is through this friendship that Ari and Dante will learn the most important truths about themselves and the kind of people they want to be.
In her New York Times bestselling and Morris Award-winning debut, Rachel Hartman introduces mathematical dragons in an alternative-medieval world to fantasy and science-fiction readers of all ages. Eragon-author Christopher Paolini calls them, “Some of the most interesting dragons I’ve read in fantasy.”Four decades of peace have done little to ease the mistrust between humans and dragons in the kingdom of Goredd. Folding themselves into human shape, dragons attend court as ambassadors, and lend their rational, mathematical minds to universities as scholars and teachers. As the treaty’s anniversary draws near, however, tensions are high.Seraphina Dombegh has reason to fear both sides. An unusually gifted musician, she joins the court just as a member of the royal family is murdered—in suspiciously draconian fashion. Seraphina is drawn into the investigation, partnering with the captain of the Queen’s Guard, the dangerously perceptive Prince Lucian Kiggs. While they begin to uncover hints of a sinister plot to destroy the peace, Seraphina struggles to protect her own secret, the secret behind her musical gift, one so terrible that its discovery could mean her very life.

Divergent6. Divergent

By Veronica Roth

In Beatrice Prior’s dystopian Chicago world, society is divided into five factions, each dedicated to the cultivation of a particular virtue—Candor (the honest), Abnegation (the selfless), Dauntless (the brave), Amity (the peaceful), and Erudite (the intelligent). On an appointed day of every year, all sixteen-year-olds must select the faction to which they will devote the rest of their lives. For Beatrice, the decision is between staying with her family and being who she really is—she can’t have both. So she makes a choice that surprises everyone, including herself.

During the highly competitive initiation that follows, Beatrice renames herself Tris and struggles alongside her fellow initiates to live out the choice they have made. Together they must undergo extreme physical tests of endurance and intense psychological simulations, some with devastating consequences. As initiation transforms them all, Tris must determine who her friends really are—and where, exactly, a romance with a sometimes fascinating, sometimes exasperating boy fits into the life she’s chosen. But Tris also has a secret, one she’s kept hidden from everyone because she’s been warned it can mean death. And as she discovers unrest and growing conflict that threaten to unravel her seemingly perfect society, she also learns that her secret might help her save those she loves . . . or it might destroy her.

Debut author Veronica Roth bursts onto the YA scene with the first book in the Divergent series—dystopian thrillers filled with electrifying decisions, heartbreaking betrayals, stunning consequences, and unexpected romance

Buy on Amazon

The Book Thief7. The Book Thief

By Markus Zusak

The extraordinary #1 New York Times bestseller that will be in movie theaters on November 15, 2013, Markus Zusak’s unforgettable story is about the ability of books to feed the soul.

It is 1939. Nazi Germany. The country is holding its breath. Death has never been busier, and will become busier still.

Liesel Meminger is a foster girl living outside of Munich, who scratches out a meager existence for herself by stealing when she encounters something she can’t resist–books. With the help of her accordion-playing foster father, she learns to read and shares her stolen books with her neighbors during bombing raids as well as with the Jewish man hidden in her basement.

In superbly crafted writing that burns with intensity, award-winning author Markus Zusak, author of I Am the Messenger, has given us one of the most enduring stories of our time.

There are a total of 13 clean young adult books in my Amazon bookstore

Posted on by Kevin Leigh | Leave a comment

I will honor Dennis Ritchie Instead, Sorry Steve Jobs

Dennis Ritchie

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Rules That Husbands Wish Wives Knew, I may be killed for posting this.

Feel like this lately?

Feel like this lately?

1. Sometimes we just don’t want to talk. Don’t take it personally.
2. We notice other women because we are men and we are alive. This does not mean we’re planning to dump you and jump them.
3. Our favorite T-shirts are not “disgraceful.” They show our loyalty to our college, our favorite sports team, our favorite beer, our favorite vacation or number 23.

4. Helpless is not cute.
5. Get to the point.
6. Understand that men are single-minded and can only do one thing at a time. So don’t talk to us while we’re doing something. We will either ignore you, because we don’t hear you “honestly), or we’ll screw up what we’re doing because you’ve distracted us.
Exception to Rule 6. Interrupt us if something is on fire, if someone needs immediate medical attention, if Pamela Lee is on TV or if there is an emergency that needs a hero.
7. You can’t complain that there are no good guys around while some of us are still single.
8. If you ask us, “Do you think she’s prettier then me?” we just might say, “Yes.” Then what are you going to do?
9. Don’t expect even a great relationship with us to solve all your problems. Just because we love you, doesn’t mean your cellulite, your credit card debt or your bad mood will disappear.
10. We would not wear high heels to impress you.
11. Breathe occasionally so we can get a word in.
12. For us, driving is not just a means of going from point A to point B. It’s an opportunity to control a couple of tons of steel. We drive, therefore, we are.
13. If you want us to notice something, help us out by saying something like, “I went to the beauty shop today.”
14. If you have to have a cat, at least don’t call him “Mister” anything.
15. Hide the self help books when we come over. They make us nervous.
16. We need to vegetate.
17. We don’t go shopping. When we need something, we buy it.
18. We believe our bodily functions are perfectly normal and, at times, quite amusing.
19. We don’t believe you when you say money isn’t important to you.
20. When we see pictures of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones we feel proud and happy to be men. We don’t care if it’s not fair.
21. It’s not that we don’t want to make you happy, it’s just that sometimes, we don’t know how.
22. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down.
23. If it itches, it will be scratched.
24. If you ask a question you don’t really want an answer to, expect an answer you didn’t want to hear.
25. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
26. Don’t ask us what were thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topis such as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
27. Sundays equals sports. Period.
28. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
29. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
30. You have enough clothes.
31. You have too many shoes.
32. Crying is blackmail.
33. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
34. Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Really obvious hints don’t work. Just say it!
35. No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar you know we check.
36. We’re not mind readers and we never will be. OUr lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
37. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair – out of 30 – would look good with your dress?
38. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
39. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
40. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
41. Check your oil.
42. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
43. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together.
44. It doesn’t matter which quiz.
45. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
46. If you won’t dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like the soap opera guys.
47. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
48. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
49. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
50. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
51. If you wear a Wonderbra and a low-cut blouse, you lose the right to complain about having your boobs stared at.
52. Our relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
53. Men see a limited number of colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
54. Ditto melon.
55. If we ask what’s wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing is wrong.
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One Guitar, amazing

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A Letter From My Kids At Camp.

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance.

We think it’s a super bus. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren’t any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it’s concrete because we didn’t have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets.. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it’s my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster’s tent.

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